oftenLife is all about relationships.
In my work as a healer, I can support you to clean the energetic relationship cords between you of baggage to allow more clarity and ease. Here is a link to my healing sessions – Potent healing for Powerful Shifts.
🌸 Trauma-bonds in relationships:
When you’re trauma-bonded, it’s as if you’re lost in a dense forest, unable to ‘see the wood for the trees’. The emotional pull of an intense but abusive relationship can be so powerful that you find yourself clinging to the occasional glimmers of affection, whilst ignoring any pain and toxicity in the dynamic that gnaw away at your being.
Understanding the signs of healthy and unhealthy relationships is crucial for your health, dignity, self-worth and self-respect. Let’s dive into what some important red flags and green flags of relationships look like, so you can navigate relationships with heightened awareness and the ability to gain clarity on whether to choose to be in that relationship or not.
💔 Red Flags – What To Look Out For
When you’re stuck in a trauma bond, the red flags are often hidden beneath manipulation, guilt, and confusion. They might even feel like ‘normal’ patterns if you’ve experienced similar dynamics before in your childhood and previous relationships. Here are some of the most common red flags to be aware of (in no particular order):
🚩 1. Refusal to Take Responsibility:
They blame you, others, or circumstances for their abusive behaviour. Accountability is non-existent, and it somehow becomes someone or something else’s fault and never theirs.
🚩 2. Control & Isolation:
They try to limit your freedom, keeping you away from friends, family, or your own interests. The aim is to make you dependent on them, so that they can use you for their own benefit. They expect to know where you are at all times, and call or text too frequently. They are jealous and have a sense of ownership over you.
🚩 3. Lies & Gaslighting:
They are secretive and convincing, habitual liars. They twist reality and say you’re exaggerating or mistaken until you doubt your own sanity. Their dishonesty and manipulation can make you question your own memories and generally feel confused. Describes their ex as crazy and them as the innocent victim or long-suffering, caring martyr.
🚩 4. Walking on Eggshells:
Their mood swings, rage, child-like tantrums, silent treatments, criticism, threats, insults, barbed jokes or passive-aggression can make you act like you’re treading on egg-shells to avoid yet another episode of verbal/physical/emotional abuse. Alternatively, you become numb to it, shut down and disassociated to protect yourself, since its been going on so long, you’ve lost some of your sense of self and boundaries. Whether you try to ignore it or call it out, its abuse.
🚩 5. Boundary Violations & Love Bombing:
They breach your trust, betray you or engage in dangerous behaviour that puts you at risk. They overstep your boundaries, then try to reel you back in with a big show of manipulative love-bombing – compliments, declarations and romantic gestures (without any genuine feeling behind them). They use future-faking – the ‘dangling carrot’ of a dream future that never truly materialises. They may act vulnerable and sincere, so you feel protective over them. Whatever it takes to keep you hooked and take advantage of you.
🚩 6. Entitlement & Exploitation:
Money is used as a weapon of control. Everything revolves around them and their needs, whilst yours are minimised. They may use you for free labour, financial support, or other resources. Yet, all co-created assets are kept tightly in their name, and nothing is ever truly shared. So, if you leave, you will have to start your life from scratch, while they take the credit for any of your contributions to their ’empire.’ (They will also smear your reputation and take what they can from you).
🌱 Green Flags – Signs of a Healthy Relationship
Recognising and cultivating healthy relationships is essential. Loving partnerships feel simple and true – like a sanctuary – where you can both blossom and grow. Here are some signs of healthy relationships:
✅ 1. Clear Boundaries:
Respect and trust flow both ways. You hold each other to the same standards, honouring each other’s needs, desires, preferences, limits and consent within your relationship. You co-create mutual agreements around what feels healthy regarding flirting, emotional intimacy, or sexual contact with others, based on your shared values and beliefs.
✅ 2. Financial Transparency:
There’s fairness in financial decisions, sharing chores and celebrating successes together. You are both rewarded financially for your input. If you separated, you would receive a fair share of what you’ve built together.
✅ 3. Emotional Intelligence:
Empathy, authenticity, and the ability to process emotions in a healthy way. You listen and hold space for each other calmly, with an open mind and heart, honouring your truth and respecting theirs. You both practice self-awareness & self-care.
✅ 4. Accountability & Growth:
They’re willing to reflect, apologise, and grow from their mistakes. Triggers, wounds and conflict are an opportunity for deeper understanding, connection, healing and growth.
✅ 5. Mutual Support & Freedom:
You feel free to be yourself and pursue your dreams. You support each other’s friendships, passions, joy and autonomy. You are valued and appreciated for who you are.
✅ 6. Honest & Loving Communication:
You feel safe, loved, heard, and your nervous system is relaxed. Able to express needs and feelings. Negotiation and compromise are possible. The tone and intention in communications is loving, truthful and respectful. You often laugh together.
🌸 Healing & Moving Forward
Recognising red flags and green flags is essential for healing from trauma bonds. If you are in a relationship that’s alerting you to red flags, once you see the truth, you can begin to untangle yourself and reclaim your power. Healing is a process, but it is entirely possible to break free and create a peaceful, fulfilling life with healthy, loving relationships. The sooner you break free, the sooner you can create a harmonious life. I would rather be single than in a toxic, abusive relationship. As you heal from trauma, self-betrayal, co-dependant traits, and rebuild your self-esteem, you are more likely to manifest a healthy one next time!
The journey to healing often begins with recognising your own wounds and patterns, and allowing yourself to fully acknowledge the truth. Perhaps you recognise some red flags in yourself and/or your partner. Taking responsibility for all of our behaviour, is the first step in healing and awakening. I can support you with a Potent Healing for Powerful Shift session.
